


Awful

by mandachann



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 21:24:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3333416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandachann/pseuds/mandachann
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Still I scrub and scrub until my body bleeds<br/>Convince myself I am coming clean<br/>Forget and ignore who I used to be<br/>That kid is never coming back."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Awful

**Author's Note:**

> This is proof that I'm awful. Just something I wrote while trying to get ideas for something else.

There’s a certain amount of comfort in know why you’re fucked up. There was this moment where I realized it. A moment I thought, _This is it. You know this is what it is._ For me, it was in the shower. A cliche and pathetic place to have this kind of moment, but that was it, nonetheless.

I sunk down to the tub of the shower, something I’d never done before in my life. It felt right. The water was a bit hot, running down my back, but I could ignore it. I hugged my knees tightly.

I smiled too little. I cried too much. What little happiness I felt was always accompanied by a constant hum of, “Why bother?” Then there was the guilt. It wasn’t like I didn’t have shit to be happy about, so why was I being such an ass?

There was one thing, though. It was _him_. For some reason, he didn’t think I was so shitty, even though I knew I didn’t deserve the comfort that he brought, it was still comfort. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t scare me. The way he smiled, the way he was such a goody two shoes, the way he doesn’t even realize how he’s much stronger than I’ll ever be.

Not to mention his stupid freckled face. Ah, shit.

I was crying again. At least, I was pretty sure I was crying. My eyes burned, but that could’ve just been leftover shampoo. My throat felt tight and my stomach was doing these awful flips, that was unrelated to shampoo.

I shouldn’t be sad. There was Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Connie, Sasha… there was…

“Marco…” I hiccupped and took a deep breath in to keep the snot from running out my nose. Everything was so awful but he was there and it wasn’t awful for so long. It wasn’t awful but now I’m sitting here and I remembered why things stopped not being awful. I realized why Marco wasn’t knocking on the bathroom door to see if I was okay. I still sat there and waited until the water got cold, then sat there some more.

I missed him so much.

 

 


End file.
